Change your self-talk. Change your thought patterns. Change your life.

I’ve been teaching a number of mindfulness classes lately, and self-talk has come up a lot. Whether speaking with health care professionals, adults with chronic health conditions, or teenagers dealing with stress around school and future planning, I’ve learned that most people are: (a) unaware of their self-talk, (b) unbelievably hard on themselves or (c) both.

It’s heart-wrenching to stand in front of 20 teenagers and ask them to think about something they like or appreciate about themselves only to have the first response be, “There’s nothing. I’m not good at anything.” Or going through a stress assessment with a group of adults and discovering that, for some, this is the first time in 60 years that they’ve considered how they treat themselves.

Get your copy of the handout I created to teach self-talk to teens! Feel free to use it (without modifying) for yourself or to teach others.

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Paying attention to this stuff is important. Your self-talk and self-relationship affects (and shapes) who you are, what you think, and everything you do.

So let’s talk about it.
 

What is self-talk?

 

Self-talk is the collection of mental messages you tell yourself as you go about your day and life. Your inner dialogue.

If your self-talk is positive, your emotions and responses tend to be positive as well. If your self-talk is negative, doubtful, or self-defeating, your emotions and responses will reflect that.

01. Thoughts become beliefs.

02. Beliefs dictate actions.

03. Actions create habits.

04. Habits become your lifestyle.

So if you change your mind, you can (gradually) change your life. People are catching on to the power of thought… which might explain the huge rise in coaching in the last 20 years.

Let’s break down why self-talk matters and how it actually works.

 

Healthy self-talk can transform:

01. Self-limiting behaviours

02. Negative thoughts and self-worth

03. Anxiety, stress, or fears

Results of healthy self-talk:

01. Gain control over thoughts/actions

02. Realize your personal power

03. Live a more fulfilled life

 

How does self-talk work?

 

Your self-talk creates your self-fulfilling prophecy. Repeated thoughts or messages begin to manifest themselves in your life:

 

Thought → Belief → Action → Habit → Lifestyle

 

Each time you reflect on or nurture the same thought over and over again, you support and strengthen that thought. It embeds itself deeper into your beliefs, actions, etc. thus giving it a stronger hold on your life. And in a mental battle between conflicting thoughts, the stronger survives (and eventually becomes what you see as your norm, reality, and ultimate truth).

 

“Whether you think you can or whether you think you can’t, you’re right.” — Henry Ford 

 

So how can you change your self-talk to reflect the reality you want?

 

1. Identify unhealthy self-talk

 

One of my roles as a coach is to help clients make sense of their thought and behaviour patterns in order to change them. We start by gaining awareness. You must be able to identify a negative thought, for instance, before you can break a pattern of negative thoughts.

Exercise: Make your thoughts and emotions your focus for today. Keep a small notebook in your pocket and record the self-thoughts that pop into your head—both positive and negative.

No time for notebooks? Keep mental tabs on your thoughts. Consider the messages you’re telling yourself:

“I got this!” OR “I can’t do this.”
“I’m going to give it my best.” OR “This is way too hard.”
“I have something great to offer.” OR “Who’s going to take me seriously?”

Start by watching out for those negative messages. Are you providing encouragement or dragging yourself down?

Next, become aware of extreme and absolute language (i.e. words like “always” or “never”). This kind of talk is hugely impactful and often completely overlooked.

“I always mess things up.”
“I’m never going to get this right.”

This language adds tremendous stress to your self-talk. Recognize that most things don’t always happen every time, without fail. And “never” just sets you up for future failure. Using “always” and “never” regularly is a quick way to foster self-contempt and future doubt. Replace extreme, absolute language with words that reflect self-compassion (and present-tense).

“I always mess things up.” → “I messed up. Here’s what I’m going to do about it.”
“I’m never going to get this right.” → “I’m really struggling with this right now. I will practice patience and start with this step today.”

 

2. Interrupt negative thought patterns

 

One story I love to share is that of a friend of mine who was trying to practice positivity and reduce complaining. For one week, he wore a loose, red bracelet on his wrist. Every time he had a negative thought about himself, he would take his bracelet off and put it on the other wrist.

Using his bracelet as a symbol of change, he repeatedly drew his attention to the kinds of thoughts and messages he shared with himself throughout the day. And he used the bracelet to provide a consequence (switching wrists each time he noticed a negative thought or complaint which was more annoying than anything) to try to prevent negative thoughts from recurring.

When you experience negative self-talk, find a way to interrupt your thought pattern:

01. Use an object to remind yourself to watch for negativity (like the bracelet example above)

02. Say “no!” either aloud or in your head

03. Replace your thought with something positive (see step 3)

 

3. Create healthy self-talk

 

How do you reframe negative thinking to nurture and strengthen positive, empowering thoughts? Let’s say you’ve recognized that stressful situations at work lead you to silently doubt yourself. You’re setting up to give an important presentation and your self-talk sounds like this:

“I’m not qualified to be here.”
“These people don’t care what I think.”

How effective can you possibly be if that’s your pep talk? Start by identifying your unhealthy self-talk (hello, self-doubt! I’m talking to you!). Next, interrupt your negative thought pattern (step two):

01. Stand tall, plant your feet on the ground, and take a breath

02. Say (or think) “no” to the negative thought that arose

03. Tell yourself, “I’m here because I am qualified and have something valuable to offer.”

This brings us you to step three where you create your self-talk. You are now in control (hooray!). Since you’ve halted a self-deprecating message by saying “no,” you’ve flipped a mental switch and caught your own attention.

It’s time to do something with that attention. Like, now. Use one of these options to point your attention in another direction.

 

Dig

This is especially helpful for recurring thoughts. If you notice a certain thought or pattern of thoughts, start asking yourself questions about it.

What triggered this thought?
Why do I keep telling myself this message?

Confronting your doubts, fears, and self-defeating messages deepens your understanding, thus making these messages much less intimidating. This process allows you to realize, “It’s not that I’m useless or unqualified to give this presentation; I just feel unprepared and nervous because I’m inexperienced.”

 

Deal

Once you’ve dug into a negative thought pattern to know what triggers it, you can determine how to deal with it in the future. Ideally, to “deal with it” would be to prevent it. For instance, thoroughly preparing specific slides and talking points for your next presentation would prevent (or reduce) negative thought patterns of self-doubt.

We all know, however, that certain thoughts like to poke their heads into our brains when we least expect it. While you can’t always prevent a thought from popping up, you can certainly control your reaction to it.

Even your most well-prepared presentation can evoke thoughts of self-doubt (especially if you dislike public speaking and/or someone asks an unexpected question):

“I knew I was going to mess this up.”
“&^$*#% Susan is always trying to catch me off guard.”

In that case, deal with your doubt by rephrasing your thought into something positive (even if you really dislike Susan):

“Ok, that’s a new question. I don’t know the answer now, but I can’t know everything! I’ll focus on what I do know and find out the answer later today.” Then you thank your sneaky co-worker for such a great question and emphasize your researching abilities (ha! Nice try, Susan).

Sneaky Susans aside (honestly, I don’t think I even know a Susan), the point is to ask:

01. How can I calmly react to this thought?

02. How can I lessen the power of this thought over me?

03. When I have this thought, what will I do or tell myself instead?

 

Dismiss

Sometimes thoughts pop into your head from left field and make little sense. Whether you’re sleep-deprived, dealing with personal stresses, or just seriously upset at your own version of Sneaky Susan, sometimes the best thing to do with a thought is to let it go.

You step up to give your presentation and your brain chimes in with one of these:

“I’m totally gonna blow this.”
“Why did I agree to this?”
“I should save myself the embarrassment and leave now.”

First, realize that your brain is wired to protect you. Since you’re not facing an immediate physiological threat (a tiger chasing you, for instance), your brain is trying to keep you psychologically safe.

Second, tell that thought to quiet down because you’ve totally got this and are going to knock it out of the park. Or at the very least, you’re going to give it your best shot.

 

Takeaway:

 

01. Identify unhealthy thought patterns

Negative self-talk

Extreme language (“always” and “never”)

02. Interrupt negative thought patterns

Use an object or symbol (like the bracelet example)

Say “no!” either aloud or in your head

Replace your thought with something positive

03. Create healthy self-talk

Dig:

What triggered this thought? Why do I keep telling myself this message?

Deal:

How can I calmly react to this thought?

How can I lessen the power of this thought over me?

When I have this thought, what am I going to do or tell myself instead?

Dismiss:

Recognize that your brain is wired to protect you

Address your thought or let it go

Tell yourself a positive message

 

Leave a comment!

What negative or unhealthy thought patterns are holding you down?

What positive message do you need to practice telling yourself?

How will you practice healthy self-talk and why?